OLD WOMAN WITH BLACK COFFEE

Thursday, October 31, 2019 at 12:31 AM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


An old woman came to me and said, "Hi...  I haven't seen you for so long. How is your wife Raziah doing?". 

"Errrr.... my wife is Roslina mam... not Raziah."

"Huh? You are Khalid right?"

"Errr.... no... not that I am aware".  She took a sip of her black coffee and flew away gently.


MANDI TANAH

Wednesday, October 30, 2019 at 4:48 PM
Oleh Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


Dulu masa aku belajar kat Melbourne di Australia, duit scholarship Gomen ciput. Australian Dollars (AUD) 531 sebulan saje. 1 AUD above tahap kemiskinan. Tahap kemiskinan di Australia masa tu AUD530. Bayar sewa AUD200. Bayar daging, ayam, sayur apa bala dah AUD100. Bayar letrik, air, fon semua dah AUD100 kot. AUD100 untuk beli rokok murah Peter Jackson. RM30 belanja awek nengok wayang kat Village Cinema South Yarra.

Kesimpulannya..... hidup tertekan sebab tak cukup duit. Study no problem. Sarjana muda perakaunan. Apa susah? Debit Credit je.... yang lebeh tu kelentong goreng je. So, apa lagi. Pergilah cari kerja part time. Malam minggu gi jadi kitchen hand kat Topez Pizza kat Prahran. Semua lah aku buat. Basuh pinggan. Bancuh uli tepung roti pizza. Buat French Salad, Greek Salad, pelbagailah. Potong sayur. Potong daging. Potong ayam. Potong salami.... dan potong babi.

Babi betoi..... kena potong babi. Setiap malam balik rumah kena mandi air tanah. Aku tanya housemate aku Shimi budak Kedah nak mandi samak ni apa sukatan. Dia bilang satu bahagian air dan tujuh bahagian tanah. Entah betul tidak. Sampai hari ni aku tak tau. So.... koreklah tanah depan rumah tu. Habis penuh tanah dalam bath tub sampai sumbat. Alih-alih kena maki dengan landlord Mr Andrew Vasilou mamat Greek perut buncit. Semua ni sebab nak sembahyang punya pasal.

Satu hari di Hari Raya selepas mandi sunat Hari Raya dengan air tanah, kitaorang ready-ready nak ke Malaysia Hall High Street Windsor untuk sembahyang Raya...... tiba-tiba ternampak anjing tengah berak kat tanah depan rumah yang selalu aku ambik untuk mandi wajib... ehhhh silap.... mandi samak. Adoiiiii.... hancurnya perasaan. Mana nak cari supply tanah kat tengah-tengah Melbourne nih?????

Selepas Hari Raya aku tender resignation as the most dedicated Kitchen Hand in all of Prahran Melbourne. Pekerjaan seterusnya ialah... posman untuk junk mail.


THE NINCOMPOOT CAMERAMAN

at 4:33 PM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com

















A camera man with his camera focused at me. I stood still with a stupid grin for like... 10 seconds or more... only to realise that I really look stupid coz it was not a photographic attempt. It was a video shoot from a camera. Bugger!! He smiled and said, "Sir no need to smile too long coz it is a video". Now you tell me you nincompoop! Hahaahah.

"BERSATU LAWAN PUSPAKOM"

at 4:11 PM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com
















PUSPAKOM said, "Bang. RM95.50 ye"

I reached my wallet and there was only RM91.00. "Errr... hmm... boleh pakai credit card tak?"

"Tak", says the PUSPAKOM lady with an unfriendly face. She must be tired especially fasting in the hot small cubical with a small fan by her side. Out of desperation, I walked to the car behind me. The owner is an old Chinese uncle.

"Uncle, errrr.... so so sorry. Can I borrow RM5.00 please. This is my business card. I will transfer RM10.00 direct to your bank account now via Maybank2u...... Can lah uncle"

"Eiii.. lu gila ka? Gua mana ingat gua punya bank account number. Ni ambik ini RM5.00 gua kasi free sama lu. Kita Melayu, Cina, India tak kira bangsa semua kena bersatu lawan ini PUSPAKOM kasi pening kepala orang."

"Ahahahahahhah.... adoi... thank you lah Uncle", with my hand gently taking the RM5.00 from his rough hand and I offered him a smile. A smile from a Malaysian to another without any concern over the colour of our skin as long as we can help each other.

MENCARI OCTOPUS DI BULAN

at 7:25 AM
Oleh Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


"Ayah. Malam ni saya nak ke bulan. Ayah doa kan saya ye"

"Oi. Kau mabuk apa? Nak ke bulan kejadahnya. Ada ape hal kat bulan tu?"

"Saya nak ke bulan Ayah. Saya nak cari Optimus Prime"

"Huhh? Octopus?"

"Bukan. Tu sotong. Tu ha yg besar bagak merah boleh jadi lori. Optimus Prime"

"Ada apa dengan Octopus Prime tu yang kau terhegeh-hegeh nak jumpa?"

"Ada lah... "

"Ehhh.... budak ni. Kepala hangguk kau berjambul. Kau bilang kat aku apa halnya kau nak ke bulan jumpa Octopus Prime tuh?"

"Optimus Prime. Bukan Octopus. Octopus tu sotong"

"Apa-apa lah. Sotong ke udang ke... kau cerita kat Ayah apa yang tergempak sangat nak ke bulan?"

"Saya nak ke bulan nak jumpa Optimus Prime sebab dia sorang sajelah boleh melawan askar-askar Zionist yang dok menyerang Palestine. Kesian orang-orang Palestine. Saya tengok semua negara-negara Islam yang lain semua kecut takde telor nak lawan Zionist. Sebelum saya berdoa dengan Tuhan, kenalah usaha sedaya upaya dulu kan Ayah? Jadi.... saya nak ke bulan nak ajak Optimus Prime turun ke bumi lawan dengan Zionis"

Ayah memeluk aku dengan erat sambil berkata, "Tak payah pergi jauh sampai ke bulan Nak. Esok ayah bawak kau ke Toys'r'Us. Bukan saja Octopus Prime,.. Superman, Batman, Six Million Dollar Man semua kita boleh ajak lawan Zionis ye... "

"..... Optimus Prime lah.... bukan Octopus Prime"



CONFUSION IN TOKYO

at 12:02 AM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com















Train conductor: Errrrr you pay me 510 Yen.

Me: Errrr... Why? This is my ticket and I paid 1,100 Yen already. Why do I have to pay?

Train conductor: This train go to Tokyo. You pay 1,100 Yen already. Now you pay another 510 Yen.

Me: Well I can pay but I want to know why am I paying again? Am I on the wrong train? This is going to Tokyo right?

Train conductor: Hait! Hait! Going Tokyo. This train is going to Tokyo.

Me: So why do I have to pay 510 Yen in addition to the 1,100 Yen?

Train conductor: Yes because this train goes to Tokyo, you pay another 510 Yen.

Me: (Getting annoyed) OK...... I am on the right train as it is going to Tokyo and I paid 1,100 Yen at the counter for purchasing a ticket to go to Tokyo. Therefore, this extra 510 Yen that you are asking will give me what service in extra?

Train conductor: Ahhh yes.... This extra go from here to Tokyo.

Me: (Silence... while looking around at all other passengers who are now staring and smiling at me)

A Caucasian Stranger Who Sits Across From Me: Hello...  Let me help you there. What he is trying to say is, that this train goes direct express to Tokyo with no stops in the middle. You have to pay for that express mode which is 510 Yen.

Me: Aaaahhhh... Sooodesuneeeee... Ok.... Ok..... Here you go 510 Yen. So this is the wrong train. I am supposed to take the cheaper one that stops at all stations because I am meant to be in Chiba... Not Tokyo.

Other Passengers: Aaaahhhhhh Sooodesuneeeeee.......


THE NATARAJ INCIDENT

Sunday, October 27, 2019 at 3:11 PM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


Four days ago I went to LHDN Damansara. I saw Nataraj out on the park near the building. I went to him and smacked his back really hard and said, "Oi Nataraj.. whatcha doin here?"

He looked at me and shouted back, "Oi Gila ka?"

I was shocked that Nataraj can now speak Malay because he is an Indian nationality. I said, "Wahh Nataraj you can speak Malay now"

He said, "Oi lu gila ka? Pukul-pukul orang? Nama aku Abdul Majid. Bukan Nataraj!"

I was.... like.... Godsmacked.... I swear to God he looks 99.99% like Nataraj! The height, size, skin, moustache... the whole works! Whaddahell. It wasn't Nataraj. Damn.

ALL JO DID WAS BENDING THE GUITAR STRINGS

at 1:01 AM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


Jo played a song on a guitar using a digital delay effect. He recorded it and shared it with Izham.

Izham said, "Nice delay. There’s a string out of tune though. Heard it at 0:29 second of the video. When you played an open string I think."

Jo got offended and replied, "But I didn't play any open strings. Maybe I bent too much somewhere.... tend to do that..... Azhar dah marah banyak kali hehhehe....."

Izham reluctantly tried to calm Jo down, "Haha. I heard two strings playing the same note. The slightly later one seems out of tune. Assumed it was open. But maybe it wasn’t." But then, he could not resist shooting another point across, "Upon critical listening, it is the delay that is out of tune. But how is that possible if the original note isn’t? Unless, the decay of the original note was due to the bend and that got captured in the digital delay setting. Hmmmmm.... This is an interesting problem. So you are right it could be the bend."

At this point Sunil interrupted, "Actually, the LFO oscillator modulates the delay causing a pitch fluctuation which effectively thickens the sound."

Izham got irritated, "Hmmm it doesn’t explain the out of tune though."

Jo was, by now, enveloped by a severe inferiority complex because the discussion had reached matters above his pay grade. He quietly said, "Hahah... at least you understand enough to conclude that. I can only assume that it explains by my sheer incomprehensible state."

Azhar happened to be closeby. He sort of concurred with Sunil. Azhar jumped in, "Found this on the web... here goes..... the delay time is modulated with a low frequency oscillator. Changing the delay time has two pronounced effects. First, the timbre of the comb filter shifts with the changing delay time between the two signals. Secondly, moving the delay time forward and backward creates a doppler pitch shift effect in the delayed sound. This was the author explaining how a flanger works. Flanger, chorus, phaser all have digital delays as their basic circuitry so maybe that's why what happened happened."

Izham now seems to be on the same wave length as Sunil and Azhar and said, "What I’m theorising is that you must have bent your note during the delay in the volume. And that delay was audible because the original note sound has gone and only the delayed sound is left, exposing the delay and the out of tune note."

By this time Kamal came in, "Whatever it is, Jo...... you played the wrong note by bending it."

Azhar tried to calm Jo as his face was as red as a lobster, "Ya, I've picked wrong notes countless times before."

Izham also did the same, "I play wrong notes too and call it jazz."

Jo in his last attempt to close the day with a positive note finally has the courage to say, "That was what I intended to do. The bend was to Jazz up the song."

Everyone cheered, "Well saved Jo!!!!!"



DR ZAMRI DAN PONTIANAK KEBAYA MERAH

Saturday, October 26, 2019 at 2:15 PM
Oleh Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com




Dr Zamri selalu bekerja lewat di Hospital Seremban. Maklumlah, doktor memang selalu bertungkus lumus demi rakyat. Seperti biasa, pada satu malam Dr Zamri habis kerja pukul 12 malam. Di mindanya, "Aku nak balik mandi cepat-cepat, makan Maggi Goreng dan boleh terbongkang macam kambing tua tak sedar diri.

Maka Dr Zamri dengan rakus membawa Honda Civicnya dengan laju di jalan raya yang teramatnya gelap. Tiba-tiba dengan tidak diduga, seekor pontianak berbaju kebaya merah terbang mengikut kereta Honda Civicnya dari tepi. Dr Zamri menggelabah. Terkumit-kumit bibir kering membaca Al-Fatihah, doa makan dan doa masuk jamban berulang-ulang kali. Kerusi Honda Civicnya penuh dengan kencing hancing kuning Dr Zamri kerana terlampau takut sehingga terkencing di dalam seluar Levi's yang dibelinya di kedai Bundle di Bazar Bulat Ipoh dua puluh tahun yang lalu.

Pontianak berkata-kata sambil terbang, "Abang.... hoi Abang... dengarlah Sayang nak cakap ni... apa yang Abang takutkan sangat ni?"

Dr Zamri menjerit, "Celaka kau Pontianak Kebaya Merah! Kau boleh tanya aku lagi.. Cheh! Pergi kau dari sini. Kenapa kau ikut-ikut aku ni? Aku tak kacau kau pun!"

"Lah... Abang... bukan apa... saya nampak handfon Abang tu.... model baru Samsung S9. Saya nak cuba tengok kalau saya selfie macamana rupa.. cantik ke tidak? Itu pasal saya beli kebaya merah dari Fashion Valet ni"

Dr Zamri terus menekan brake Honda Civicnya. "Lah... apasal adik tak cakap awal-awal?"

Dr Zamri pun turun dari kereta dan berwefie dengan Pontianak Kebaya Merah. Kedua-dua Dr Zamri dan Pontianak Kebaya Merah tersenyum indah tapi malangnya apabila butang kamera Samsung S9 ditekan, hanya muka Dr Zamri yang nampak sebab hantukan tak boleh muncul dalam kamera. Begitulah alkisahnya Dr Zamri dan Pontianak Kebaya Merah. Sekian.


ARE YOU READY TO DIE?

Friday, October 25, 2019 at 8:59 AM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


An angel came to me. He asked me, "Are you ready to die?"

I stood there silently. This cannot be happening. I know my religion teaches me that we should believe in angels but I never believed that that belief can be proven. But now, an angel is in front of me asking me whether I am ready to die or not?

The angel jumped up a bit with his wings wide spread open and started to circle me. He whispered, "God is asking. I am asking on behalf of God. Are you ready to die?"

"Errr..... No. No I am not. Please do not take my life yet."

"Hahahahha...... do not worry. I am not the Angel of Death. I am not Israil. I am just curious to know whether you are ready... you know... ready to die? Of course God need not ask this but He wants you to ask the question to yourself. So you are not ready. Why?"

"Who are you? Which angel are you?"

"Who I am is irrelevant to the question. Now, man of God, tell me why are you not ready to die?"

"I.... eeeeerrrmmmm.... I have been sinful throughout my life. I need the chance to redeem myself. I know I may not be able to redeem all that I have done but at least I am able to reduce the baggage I created in this world that will follow me to the afterlife. I have had free sex. I drank alcohol. I gambled. I took drugs. I cheated on my wife. I took corruption money. I, I cannot remember when I last prayed five times a day. I fast but that is just to show that I am assimilating with the people around me. I spent thousands of Ringgit travelling to Europe, the Americas and bought expensive things but I never bothered to register myself for Haj. I have debts. Loads of debts to pay. If I die, my wife and my kids, how will they pay those debts? The banks will take the house, take the car, take everything valuable. My family will be left with nothing. If I have the chance, I just want to work a bit longer to pay off my home loan. It is just a simple linked terrace house. I can sell my BMW and buy a cheap car for my wife. At least she does not have to worry about paying the car loan. I just need my money in the fixed deposit, the equity shares and the unit trusts to be enough to earn a few thousands a month for my wife. The rest I am sure my wife is able to earn for herself. She has some qualifications. My kids...... my kids, I just need the savings to be enough for them to study and earn at least a diploma. Then they should fly on their own. I am pressed for time. I need to get all these in place before I am ready to die."

"Hahahahahhaha..... you stupid fool", the angel belittled me. "Do you think God needs to wait for you? What if God sends Israil now to plug your pathetic soul out from your overweight body?"

"I,... I,.... hmmmmm.... forgive me O' Angel. If I cannot have all that, can I at least have one thing before I die?"

"And what might that be little man?"

"Please, can I at lease wait until Liverpool wins the EPL?", I said with all honesty and desperation.

The angel landed in front of me and lowered his face to mine and whispered, "On that, you'll never walk alone my friend. I will pull some strings myself and for my sake, I really hope you can die sooner rather than later. Goodbye Dr Zamri."



THE WORKING CLASS PHENOMENON

at 8:05 AM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


"Bro, buy this. It is good stuff. It is only RM50."

Reluctant Buyer said, "Errrr,.... sorry, I don't have RM50 now. Too expensive. I only have RM10."

Seller replies, "Bro, I will make you an offer, if you pay me RM40, I will give you this stuff."

Reluctant Buyer got agitated and said, "Which part of 'I only have RM10' do you not understand. Stop trying. I am not buying."

"Ok Bro, for RM10, you can rent this for a week. Who knows you will want to buy this after a week. If not, you can return."

"Look Bro, I said stop trying. I have better use for the RM10. I am not in the position to spend it with you."

"Ok Bro. When you feel like buying, this is my card. Call me ya."

Reluctant Buyer then buys groceries worth RM10 that can feed breakfast for his family for a week. His wife comes home looking rather happy, "Darling, have you bought groceries?"

"Yup. I have"

"Oh, oh, can you also pay the kid's tuition fees RM50 for this month? Sorry I had to use my budget for something else"

"Ok. I will need to work overtime more this month to pay the tuition fees RM50. Do'able but have to go through pain for a while."

"Thank you Dear."

"So what did you buy with your RM50?" The Wife smiled and took out the item she bought out of the shopping bag and showed it to her husband.

The husband gulp the last bit of his cheap tasteless coffee and dialed the number on a call card he had in his pocket and said, "Damn you!"


THE MAN WHO LEFT THE WORLD

Thursday, October 24, 2019 at 9:52 PM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


The cat sat on the wall. His name is Alfred. Alfred miowed to the man walking by him. The man had his head tilted 45 degrees down looking into a piece of device. The man continued walking across the road, with his head still tilted. The cat still stood on the wall. His name is still Alfred. Alfred miowed to the man crossing the road. The traffic light was red. A lorry full of pigs hit the man. The man was thrown to the side of the road, near the wall, in front of Alfred. The cat jumped off the wall. His name, well, is still Alfred. Alfred found the piece of device. Alfred sniffed the device. He smelled death. The cat left the wall. The man? Left the world.



BADUT DAN KAPAL TERBANG

Monday, October 21, 2019 at 11:13 PM
Oleh Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


Badrul terasa sungguh teruja. Dia tidak sabar untuk menemui Mika, budak 7 tahun yang ibunya sedang menguruskan 'party' hari jadinya. Ibunya Si Mika sudah pun men'deposit'kan RM500 ke akaun Chung Kiaw Bank Badrul. Badrul cuma tinggal menjalankan kerjanya. Kerjanya sebagai seorang badut kelakar untuk mengukirkan senyuman dan gelak tawa di bibir anak-anak di 'party' hari jadi Mika. 'Party' tersebut akan berlangsung petang nanti di Kuala Lumpur, tetapi Badrul sekarang berada di Pulau Pinang. Tidak menjadi masalah. Badrul sudah pun membeli tiket kapal terbang. Apabila Badrul sampai sahaja di lapangan terbang, teramat terkejutnya Badrul apabila dilaporkan pihak syarikat penerbangan yang tiket kapal terbangnya itu kini sudah terbatal dan ganti rugi akan dibayar. Kata syarikat itu lagi, kapal terbang tersebut sudah terhempas di Selat Melaka akibat kuasa elektromagnetik yang kononnya ditembak oleh pihak lanun moden di perairan tersebut. Sebagai penebus, Badrul menyarungkan sahaja 'costume' badut kelakarnya dan merakamkan dirinya sendiri yang bermain watak Badut Kelakar Bongok yang mencuit hati manusia-manusia di lapangan terbang. Apabila siap, Badrul terus meng'whatsapp'kan rakaman video tersebut kepada ibu Mika agar dapat disiarkan di televisyen melalui kabel HDMI atau melalui 'laptop' petang nanti sewaktu 'party' hari jadi Mika yang ke-7.

I LOVE BMW

Sunday, October 20, 2019 at 10:33 PM
By Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


I was at a BMW showroom this morning. I was so impressed with the new M3 and M5. So, I went to my wife, who was sitting reading a book, waiting for her car being serviced and I said, "I totally love BMW!"

She stopped reading her book and turned her head to face me. Lo and behold, it wasn't my wife! But she was polite enough to say, "Yes! I love BMW too!" and continued to read her book. I continued to act normal and walked away as if the sun was shining bright and joined my wife, who was also sitting reading a book not too far from there.


ZAMRI HILANG

at 5:35 PM
Oleh Jo Haq
spanapurba.blogspot.com


Ahmad kehilangan Zamri. Dia cemas. Ke hulu ke hilir Ahmad mencari Zamri. Dia sampai ke warung Pak Muliadi dan bertanya, "Pak Moody, ada nampak Zamri?"

"Errr.... tadi adalah dia ke arah surau tu". Ahmad terus berlari ke arah surau tanpa berterima kasih kepada Pak Muliadi. Sesampai sahaja di surau, Ahmad bertembung dengan Imam Khairi lalu bertanya, "Pak Imam, ada ke nampak Zamri mana-mana? Pak Moody tadi kata dia menghala ke sini".

"Kalau ye pun Mamat, kasi lah salam dulu".

"Oh ya, Assalamualaikum Pak Imam. Tulah saya ni cemas mencari Zamri sebab dia belum mandi, belum makan semua pagi ni".

"Walaikumsalam. Saya tak nampak pun. Dari tadi saya berkemas dalam surau ni ha".

"Takpelah Pak Imam. Saya pergi dulu ye".

"Yelah".

Ahmad penat pusing satu kampung. Akhirnya terhenti langkahnya di tempat sidai baju Kak Hanum, janda anak tujuh yang popular di Kampung Putik Derian kerana ternampak Kak Hanum memegang penyapu untuk menghalau seekor kambing busuk yang sedang mengunyah coli Kak Hanum yang tersidai. Kak Hanum memekik, "Oi!! Pundek punya kambing! Kau kunyah coli aku ye! Ni hah aku nak tibai kau dengan penyapu ni".

"Ehhh..  Kak Hanum, jangan, jangan. Minta maaf lah banyak-banyak. Zamri tu lapar. Dia belum makan pagi ni. Minta maaf banyak-banyak. Esok saya belikan Kak Hanum coli baru ye. Berapa saiz Kak Hanum?"

"Oi! Pundek kau Mamat... kau tanya saiz payu dara aku pulak. Aku belasah kau dengan penyapu ni baru tau. Kau dengan kambing gembala kau sama je. Ahmad dan Zamri, dua-dua gatal!"

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